Friday, October 1, 2010

Ten Sure Ways Not To Kill A Vampire

Zoe_Lionheart_100 Everyone knows, Vampires don’t like garlic, don’t like Christian symbols, don’t like wooden stakes, and can’t stand sunlight.

Garlic is rather a nuisance. Vampires don’t like the smell — like many mortals — but they don’t like fish or cheese either. Have you ever encountered a Vampire with bad breath? Probably not, and that’s why.
Holy water mainly hurts, and although it hurts much, it won’t easily kill them.

Wooden stakes don’t kill all kinds of Vampires, but a stab in the Vampire’s heart region will immobilize him safely, enabling the Vampire hunter to carry his prey to the light of day. And yes, sunlight will kill, will burn the undead body to ashes.

So much for the basics. Now back to topic: Here are ten sure ways not to kill a Vampire.

1. Shoot him down with a silver bullet
No, that’s the method against werewolves. Silver has no special meaning for Vampires, they heal the wound like any other. Of course, lead is no better.

2. Stab him with a knife
Only if you want to know if he’s ticklish and has a sense for this kind of humor.

3. Throw him from a high cliff
Vampires can transform into a bat and fly, didn’t I mention that? And even if he doesn’t, the impact won’t kill him. But it will surely make him angry.

4. Bury him under an avalanche of rocks
At least it will take him a while to get out. Time for you to get away — very far.

5. Poison his food
What kind of food do Vampires eat anyway? No, poison is just another spice. This might amuse him. He might keep you as chef de cuisine.

6. Shoot him with a poisoned dart or arrow
If you use a wooden dart and hit his heart, this will help you (see basics above), but he won’t mind the poison.

7. Put his feet in concrete and throw him into a lake
Do you live in Chicago? I’ve been told it’s the method of choice there. Again, it might buy you time if you can persuade him to hold still while the concrete hardens. But he may as well mutate into a bat and simply fly away.

8. Gas him
Do you know how often a Vampire has to breathe? Air is mainly needed for the vocal chords. Otherwise he’ll simply enjoy the interesting taste — unless it’s mixed with garlic.

9. Hang him
A very bad idea. First, he won’t wait until you’ve put the rope around his neck. Second, strangling him will not work as he doesn’t need to breathe. Third, even a broken neck will quickly heal. Fourth, he may just tear the rope apart and then taste your blood.

10. Run him over with a car
If you can surprise him, you may have one shot. But Vampires are quick and swift, so don’t count on it. And it won’t work anyway, just make him very angry. Even more if you damaged a decent car during the action. If you miss, however, and are lucky enough to drive a car he likes, he may take it in exchange for sparing your life. But which car would a Vampire like? Ah, that’s a different topic, which I will discuss another day.

Note that although I used “him”, the same rules apply to female Vampires, too.

Next month I’ll focus on ten unusual ways to kill a Vampire. Stay tuned.

To find out more about Valerie J. Long and her Zoe Lionheart Series, visit:

Publisher: eXtasybooks (2010) 
Buy it here

Zoe has challenged powerful opponents--suddenly the huntress becomes the hunted. But you shouldn't count your kittens before they are born. In the total darkness of a large cave system, she has to face her true origin.

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