Friday, December 2, 2011

About Beasts

Zoe_Lionheart_100 Last time I promised to write about Beasts. No, I’m not referring to the hairy, snoring creature you might wake up close to in the morning. Neither I’m talking of your neighbor’s dog or the palm-sized spider lurking in your cellar. (You didn’t know about the latter? Never mind, when you’re through with this blog you’ve got more serious things to worry about.)

Today’s topic is the Beast, with capital B. It’s probably the best-kept secret of the Vampire society, or better put, it has been the best-kept secret until today. I’m sure not even Tamara is happy that I give it away, but we’ve already taken this path way too far to turn back.

There may be attempts of the Vampire society to repair the damage. I can assure you, those are futile. They may bite the occasional reader here and there – that’s you, by the way – but they can’t threaten me, and they can’t un-publish this blog once google’s web crawlers have devoured it.

So, where do Beasts come from? Beasts aren’t born, Beasts are created, and almost always by accident. When a Vampire bites a mortal and starts drinking his or her blood, there’s a certain point of no return. From that point on, the loss of blood is lethal. Now the Vampires have three options. One – leave the victim to a slow death. Two – drink his victim dry and kill it. Three – start the transformation.

Once the transformation has started, the Vampire must finish the process. Otherwise the victim will turn into a Beast. Depending on the level of brain damage caused by the blood loss, the Beast may be dumb as a brick or as smart as a wolf, but all Beasts share some characteristics.

1 – Beasts crave for human blood, and they will always bite to kill. However, if they fail to drink a victim empty for whatever reason, the unlucky person will become a Beast, too. See the trouble? That’s the reason why Vampires will do almost anything to get a Beast infestation contained.

2 – Beasts don’t care about ordinary injuries. They can take a lot and heal fast, like Vampires. If you want to know how to kill them, you might want to re-read the second installment of my blog, Ten Unusual Ways To Kill A Vampire. Those means usually work fine for Beasts, too.

3 – Beasts don’t give a damn about garlic, except if they’re Greek, then they might even appreciate it. I think I already told you that it doesn’t help against Vampires either, didn’t I?

4 – Many Beasts are in a permanent rut. They will try to rape their victims while drinking them dry.

5 – Beasts will not wear panties. It saves time.

6 – Beasts can hypnotize their victims not to run away… and drop their pants.

7 – Female Beasts will steal all shoes they can get their hands on. Don’t ask me why, it must be a kind of reflex that survives the faulty transformation.

8 – Beasts smell bad, mostly because they don’t wash themselves. The main cause is sperm and pussy juice. If you think this is distasteful or even worry about sexual diseases, I can reassure you. Once you’re bitten and raped by a Beast, you don’t care about AIDS anymore.

9 – Beasts are very, very fast and enduring. You can’t outrun them. If you see a Beast, it’s probably too late for you, unless a Vampire comes to your rescue. In which case you’re a witness of something they don’t want anyone else to know about. Can you guess where that line of thoughts leads to?

10 – The worst of all: Beasts often don’t have to fear daylight.

Luckily, Beasts are rare. But you should draw one conclusion – you’d better stay out of the way of Beasts, if you can. Stay away from Vampires, and you might be lucky. No Vampires, no Beasts.

If you can’t, try to at least enjoy the last minutes of your life.

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