Friday, July 1, 2011

Why You Should Become A Vampire

Zoe_Lionheart_100 Well, after having spent a long time with your Vampire partner (long from your mortal point of view), you might consider making your relationship permanent. And you know what that means. But don’t be hasty.

Check out the three steps to the Dark side:

1. Why You Should Become A Vampire (this month)
2. Why You Shouldn’t Become A Vampire (next month)
3. You’ve decided to become a Vampire – How To Do It? (the month thereafter)

So, why check out some potential reasons?

You want to find out if there’s life after death. But you already know that from your Vampire friend, and, to be precise, it’s not called “life”, it’s “undeath”, and there are some differences you are only vaguely aware of.

You prefer the taste of blood over a good Hunter Valley Shiraz. You might drink a “Bloody Mary” just for the sound of it. You like your meat raw. You’re biting your lips almost daily – that means, you might be overenthusiastic about it.

You don’t like getting up early, you’re a night bird anyway.

You’re the nordic type, that is, you’ve got a very pale complexion and you almost always suffer from sunburn. You don’t like the sun at all.

You’re working from home, by computer, and never have to visit your company in person.

You’re an astronomer, and your job is to watch the sky all night, every night. You’re sleeping during the day.

You’re working in a morgue, the night shift, so you’re used to meet dead people.
You don’t like your dentist.

You know you only have a few months left to live anyway. Becoming a Vampire is the only known cure for your sickness.

All your clothes are black and crimson.

No, you don’t have to score all. In fact, there’s no scoring. This is just to make sure you’ve diligently thought over your reasoning.

Tune in again next month!


The policeman’s gun jerked up, just like the guns of his colleagues. This situation was completely out of control! I counted ten, no, twelve policemen aiming at us with their pistols or rifles, three of whom just retreated with their handcuffs.

“Officer, yes?” my policeman asked. “And I’m Donald Duck.”

“Fine, Donald,” I said grimly. “But martial law is still in effect. I am Admiral April Winston. If you don’t check my claim right now, you’ll face a charge of treason. Moreover you better put your weapons down, they’re making us nervous.”

I nodded toward my weapon on the ground. “I’ve fired two warning shots with this gun. Those fake FBI agents there have each fired at least half a magazine at us without even showing their ID or otherwise making themselves known. You can check that right now. Or you have a look at the holes in the yachts behind us.”

We were waiting.

A short time later another policeman called from behind, “There is no Admiral Winston in the Navy.” What?

Zoe looked at me, I looked at Zoe. I nodded lightly. I felt sorry for the policemen who did their jobs in good conscience. But something was very fishy here, and I wasn’t inclined to investigate this from the inside of a prison cell, where we could have an accident any time. Or whatever they had planned for us.

I was no longer sure if they hadn’t planned for Zoe’s presence and the entire scenario served to corner her by law and morale—to wear her down by making her do things she didn’t want to.

Like our current situation.

Three policemen stood in front of us, with pistols and handcuffs, unsettled and with slowly tiring arms.

Six others aimed at us from behind a door or the hood of their police cars, distributed rather evenly in a half circle around us.

One sat in the car—he had just checked and denied my identity. Not good!

Two were caring for the injured behind us and to our right and were only just noticing the new situation. These two were freshly alarmed, and were just now drawing their guns on us. Danger at all angles.

Zoe would act as soon as I did. She didn’t need any other prompting. And Theo? Ideally he’d remain standing where he was or simply drop, then he’d be out of the way.

Hopefully he’d think the same thing.

I aimed at the middle one of the three free-standing men and smiled. For a moment he was unsure how to interpret my glance. This was my chance!

I jumped at him. No one could shoot at me without endangering the other cops. My victim took a blow to the throat, the one to his left got a kick that took his legs away under him. I guided his weapon hand toward the two most dangerous targets and released an unaimed shot that forced them to find cover. That was all the time Zoe needed.

Theo stood rooted to his place with an open mouth. Then after a moment he looked around. Twelve policemen lay scattered on the ground unconscious, and Zoe stepped to my side smiling and handed me my own gun.

It was one thing to read reports. It was quite another thing to watch Zoe live in action.

“She’s fast, isn’t she?” I asked happily.

“Incredible,” Theo confirmed. “Your coordination is incredible.”


LIONESSCOMBAT Excerpt from "Lioness' Combat", released July 1st at eXtasy Books.

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