Friday, December 3, 2010

Ten Ways Annoyed Vampires Show Displeasure

Zoe_Lionheart_100 Now that we’ve discussed ways (not) to kill a Vampire, let’s have a look what can happen if your method of choice fails. After all, the Ancient Ones have some experience…

One—They suck you dry. (By sucking I mean your blood.) Lucky, you´re dead!

Two—They don’t suck you dry, but almost. That feels soo bad. Be sure your health care covers blood conserves.

Three—They bite you three times and transform you to a lesser Vampire. Now you´re undead and should avoid sunlight and wooden stakes. Most victims only learn about their new role too late, perhaps because they don’t believe in Vampirism. Poof!

—Oops, you haven’t been bitten. You’re feeling relieved, he forgot about you. No, he didn’t. He also didn’t spare you for a later snack, that would be any of #1-3, see above. Instead he (or she) feels really pissed. You’ll know:

Four—Many Vampires either own an old castle themselves or know its owner. So it’s easy for them to find a wet, cold and dark dungeon to turn you in. There you can contemplate your mistakes, like not reading all entries of this guide.

Five—Can you swim? Because the bottom of an old well in said castle is another spot where you could find yourself. Perhaps you consider trusting the old rusty rungs in the tube’s walls, but what will you do with the iron grate at the top? Right—bring your Swiss Army Knife.

Six—You live in a big city, there are no castles around. Instead you’ve got skyscrapers. Held over the edge of the roof by one ankle, hanging upside down you can either enjoy the vista or try to talk about your racy Car Vampires Like. I’ll elaborate on that next time, stay tuned.

Seven—Why bother to bite you themselves? Thrown in a pit of poisonous snakes you’ll learn many new sensations, including how to writhe like a snake.

Eight—Some ancient cultures were quite proficient in sacrificing a beating heart to their bloodlusty Gods. Often the victim was able to have a last glance on it. Some Vampires have studied the old rites, often in search for a clue on removing their own heart (that way they wouldn’t have to fear wooden stakes any longer), but they still need practice. You may find relief in the fact that you contribute to scientific progress.

Nine—You’ve annoyed a modern Vampire? He’ll tie you to a chair and force you to watch “Glen or Glenda” over and over again.

Ten—If you hope, close to the end of the list, there’ll be at least a hint of abuse and sexual harassment, I have to disappoint you, an annoyed Vampire will deliberately avoid any chance of you enjoying his treatment. Instead, they might simply remove your privates, so you don’t need to worry about sex ever again.

Note that I didn’t mention classical methods of torture. Those are reserved for people who actively hunt Vampires. You won’t consider doing that, okay?

People have accused me of having a sick sense of humor. Maybe they’re right, but don’t blame me for you displeasing a Vampire!

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