Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Why Vampires Make Good Lovers

According to Ashley Greene, vampire sex is better than normal sex. The 22-year-old actress, who plays Alice Cullen in “Twilight,” told Maxim magazine: “Take the best sex you ever had in your life, multiply it times 100 and that’s vampire sex.”

I wouldn’t know since I’ve never slept with a vampire (any monsters I’ve slept with don’t count). I can think of several reasons why Greene may be onto something. Consider why vampires probably make good lovers:

They’re up nights. Since nighttime seems to be the most common time for most sexual activity, it’s nice to have a lover who’s nocturnal and won’t fall asleep on you. A vampire lover can go from dusk ‘til dawn, and if they’re as sexy as Greene implies, it might be worth adjusting your mortal schedule to catch some of that all night action.

They’ve got that biting and sucking thing down pat. The fact that men and women the world over and throughout the ages keep falling for these sexy creatures makes me wish this skill involved more than just necks. It’s veiled sex at its best. Biting equals penetration. Blood sucking equals an exchange of body fluids. The sexual undercurrents alone are enough to seduce me.

They’re discreet. All right. Wouldn’t you be secretive, too, if all the crucifix-bearing, stake-waving vampire haters and rival vampires wanted you dead? There’s something fun about sneaking around to see the one you crave the most.

They age well. Okay. So your vampire lover is older than you are—maybe one hundred years older. But how awesome is it to have a lover that’s forever young and pretty? Then there’s their worldliness and experience. You’d think when a lover’s been around a couple of hundred years, he or she has learned a thing or two and is eager to share it.

They’re powerful. Well, the raw physical power is what gets to me. Not to mention the stamina! And they always seem to be in damn good shape. They also tend to be brainy, and intelligence is a turn-on.

They’re untouchable.
You know you can’t really have ’em, unless you’re willing to die for them, that is. The fact that the vampire/human romantic relationship has limitations is attractive in itself. The fact that you’re afraid of them makes you want them even more.

Of course, we know that blood sucking often is a vampire’s primary sexual thrill since they rarely have sex as we know it. Yes, exceptions exist – think the aggressive, frenetic lovemaking in “True Blood.” But the highly erotic nature of the relationships vampires manage to form make them the hotties of the undead. Eternal love. Eternal lover. Good lover.

Note: I have only a layman’s knowledge of vampires and rightly defer to my paranormal writer friends who have researched the subject ad nauseum. And for any fangbangers out there who’ve experienced it firsthand, please call me. I’m dying to hear about it.


  1. There is also the thing we do with our fangs. :)

  2. There's one aspect left out: mind control / telepathy. As Vampires can share thoughts with their victim during the bite, they can also share the ecstasy. So you do one act ans experience two orgasms simultaneously. (Not to mention the synchronizing that is done instinctively - neither one can be too quick.)

  3. There are so many things about a Vampire that make us great lovers. The main one is the erotic power of a blood exchange while making love, it is something beyond compare. In no other scenario is there such a complete oneness with another.

  4. I had a girlfriend once!!!! I didn't get to third base, but she did let me taste her eyeball.

    It was salty.

    Oh, I guess I should mention I did that as a human, NOT recently. lol!