Do Vampires read books?

Of course they do. Art in general, and before all, new music and new books are what makes their unlife bearable. In the last decades their access to this kind of goods has become much easier, as they don’t have to leave their homes in daylight to shop for books and music. Today they can mail order it or even download it. You may bet most high-ranking Vampires own a tablet computer nowadays.

Why don’t they use an e-book-reader? The answer is simple – they need lighting anyway, as they can’t read in plain daylight. So the greatest advantage of “e-paper” is pointless for them. Oh, and maybe they think it’s cool, too.

This brings up the question – what do they read? You might think of old classics, but there you’re wrong. Every Vampire knows the old Bram Stoker book, of course, but they prefer to read something new, something unique. That means – it needn’t be about sex and violence.

Sadly market research cannot provide figures about top sellers for this audience. So I can’t show you a reliable list of titles that appeal most to the average Vampire. I can only guess, and this is the list I came up with:

“Tasty Blood” is a story about a young connoisseur trying to find the best recipe for blood. Which combination of vintage and terroir creates the most enjoyable taste? To find out, the Vampire has to kidnap and raise mortals all around the world. Then he falls in love with one of his “samples”. Tragic!

“Long Necks” is not about Giraffes, but about the preferred spot for a Vampire bite, and the narrator delves deep into the descriptions of the soft skin between shoulders and head. It’s a kind of fetish story.

“Crimson Liquid” is another story about a person addicted to blood. It describes inventive new ways to relieve a victim from blood without killing it right away. Not for weak stomachs.

“Sweet Orchid” is an erotic romance that tiptoes along the edge of purple prose, and as such the intended audience is the old-fashioned gentleman Vampire who likes to be reminded of the “good old days” of courting.

“Bite My Thigh” is pure steam! It’s about a woman who believes she’s found the perfect way to seduce a Vampire without being transformed or killed. She searches and finds her pleasure in the arms of multiple undead, until one day she goes one step too far… seems she’s read my previous guides, but didn’t take them to heart.

A last warning: If you don’t want to anger a Vampire, you better don’t mention certain stories about creatures sparkling in the sun…

By the way, the book titles and blurbs are my imagination, and any resemblance with existing books is purely coincidental. If you’re a writer and feel inspired, go ahead! The maximum I’d ask for would be an honorable mention if you’re ever asked about the source of inspiration.