Friday, March 2, 2012

Confessions of a Vampire Gourmet

Zoe_Lionheart_100 I had a date with a Vampire recently. No, it was just for dinner, and I wasn’t on the menu. We had some “True Blood” and red wine and a nice evening talk. We avoided politics, briefly touched the subject of sports, then I asked him about wine. This led to his very interesting confession of being a Vampire Gourmet, and what that means.

You probably thought the same as I did: A Vampire simply tastes blood, what does that have to do with being a Gourmet? But he enlightened me about the manifold factors that can influence taste.

For you, this can also be good advice – how to taste good or bad to a Vampire. But read to the end before making the wrong decision. I’ll step back now and let him explain.

Thank you, Valerie, for your patience with me.

I’m but an old guy, who doesn’t have much fun in Unlife, except for the occasional enjoyment of a decent meal. During the centuries I’ve sampled so many different tastes, and if your readers are truly interested, as you claim, I’ll happily share some of my experience with you and them.

Let me start with a few obvious factors that can spoil the pleasure. It all starts with the presentation. Looks and smell are important, just as the process of dining itself.

Of course we prefer pretty, healthy people. Oh, the sweet, soft skin of a young girl’s neck can be so tempting! What difference to the crinkled skin of an old man. That’s more like drinking wine from a cardboard cup, if you get my meaning. But it’s still better than having to rely on animal blood, eventually from a very hairy creature. No, that may help you overcome your craving, but let’s not talk about taste in this context.

Dirty, smelly people don’t appeal to us either, that goes without saying. But neither do clean people who overly intensely smell like soap or perfume. This can so ruin the taste, but After Shave is worst, and no, if you ask, I really prefer female blood. It may be due to the estrogen in the blood, although there’s little difference in taste.

As opposed to that – and here we’re back at the wine – the last meals and beverages consumed do have a major influence. Some alcohol in the blood can really amplify the taste of it. For example, the Shiraz you’re drinking adds a nice flavor to your blood – oh, sorry, I didn’t want to trigger fears in you. No, I didn’t? Glad to hear that. Where – ah, alcohol, yes. White wine creates a different taste, and beer admittedly doesn’t enhance taste. Schnapps is another thing – nothing to be said against a good cognac or whisky, but people on cheap booze simply taste awful, not to mention their smell. I’ve met a friend from Russia once. His clients drink vodka, and I asked him how he could stand it. He said, yes, you have to be used to it before the transformation, then it’s bearable.

You surely think eating garlic might spoil the taste, do you? You’re right, and you’re wrong. Freshly consumed garlic, especially in combination with a good wine, is a delicacy. Only after some hours it becomes a problem, when it starts evaporating through the skin.

People on certain diets are a problem. The blood tastes pale, so to say, when certain ingredients run low. Or, if the people use acetyl-salicylic acid, their blood runs thin. That’s even worse if they have heart problems and consume anticoagulants like Warfarin, you might know it as Coumadin. Can you imagine? That’s been developed as rat poison originally. No, it’s like if you water down your wine.

Luckily you rarely run across someone with blood cancer. But diabetics are a no-no as well. Instead, if you want some nice dessert, try an athlete, preferably a cyclist. Steroids, Erythropoietin and such spice up your meal and are a lasting pleasure, believe me!

I’ll have to thank – okay, no names – for his explanations, and that I’m allowed to post them here.

Back to you, my readers. If you think you’re better off with smelly skin, cheap booze and garlic, go find a bridge to live under, as your community probably won’t understand. Yes, you’ll be safe from becoming a Vampire gourmet dinner. But that doesn’t mean you’re not bitten. It only means it will be a fast, painful and final dinner, and no one will really miss you.

On the other hand, if you’re clean and tasty, your Vampire predator will not only make sure that it’s an enjoyable process for both of you, with candles, nice music and all, perhaps including some amorous play, but he or she will also be interested in keeping you alive, so that there can be a next time. Consider that.

Until next time,


Click here to visit Valerie at Extasy Books

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