Friday, June 3, 2011

Sports Activities for Vampires

Zoe_Lionheart_100 Of course you don’t need advice on sports activities in general. Neither do I have to elaborate in detail on the kind of sports you can do while avoiding daylight. But it might be interesting to know, which kind of sport can you share with your Vampire friend?

Obviously we can rule out team sports. Even if you could play, for example, basketball in a training hall, you wouldn’t have fun playing against a team of Vampires, and as you can neither let other mortals in on your secret, you can’t invite other players.

You can do anything together that you could do on your own. Jogging, Weightlifting, Gymnastics, Aerobics, you name it. That’s all okay, until it becomes competitive – and then your motivation will go to hell. Regardless what you do, your Vampire friend will be faster, stronger, swifter. Or, in the case of apnoea diving, have a very unfair advantage – no need to breathe.

Why do I touch this subject at all, you may ask? Because indeed there are options.

Some sports activities are heavily relying on dexterity and brains, and that’s where we start. (Oh, by the way, I won’t mention board games or other purely mind-related sports. You can figure yourself.)

Take billiards, for example. In the US, that means Pool primarily, in old UK it may be Snooker. You have a table with six holes, one white and many colored balls, and a long wooden stick. That stick is used to hit the white ball, the white ball hits a colored ball, and the colored ball is supposed to , can plan in advance where it shall come to a rest for your next shot. Your Vampire may still have a slight advantage – and one truly big disadvantage. Psst! Vampires don’t like long wooden sticks. It makes them nervous. And when they’re nervous, their play will be less than optimal. Your turn.

Take bowling. Yes, the Vampire may be faster, stronger, swifter, so what? If the bowling ball is too fast, it may crush one pin and leave the others untouched. The goal is not to disintegrate the pins, but to take all ten down. In order to do that, there must be a chain reaction of pin hitting pin, and that again depends on the bowling ball’s speed and angle.

Take Archery. Your Vampire friend can pull the string without effort, but still has to hit the target. Okay, he's got another advantage because it’s easier to hold still if you don’t have to breathe, but again there are long wooden sticks involved – and these are pointy.

Take Boules or Darts to increase your friend’s comfort level and decrease your ability to compete – it may still be fun, if you’re good at it yourself. Or play indoor miniature golf, that may work for a while, too.

But if you really want to do sports where you’re even, the only choice will be ballroom dancing. There’s no other team sport depending so much on teamwork and on the efforts to look good together, to make the partner look good. And unlike synchronized swimming, it won’t help to simply copy the other partner’s moves. Moreover, it’s very helpful if you’re visiting a Vampire ball.

What’s the very worst combination you could wear as a mortal on a Vampire ball? 

That’s what I asked last time, remember?
Well, the worst dress you could imagine would be – no, not going nude. The very worst is a short white apron barely covering your pubes, combined with a crimson scarf and lip-gloss and white or crimson red high heels. The white says you’re free, your bare ass says you’ll do it with anyone, and as you’re otherwise nude you’ll do it right on the dance floor. The crimson scarf tells you’d like to give blood, too – but of course not on the dance floor. This combination may shatter the self-control of the most demure old Vampire — of both sexes.

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  1. Oops - the Internet demons have stolen a sentence part in the sixth paragraph!
    Here's the snippet:
    (...), and the colored ball is supposed to > drop into one of the six holes. Depending on your skills, you can make the white ball spin and dance around the table, < can plan in advance (...)

  2. This is an absolute hoot! Thanks for the chuckle, and of course, the tips on sports to play w/ my vampire friends. Some of these would even transfer to my shifter friends, too! ;)

  3. Shifters?
    Mmm - I'll investigate 'bout that.
    Thanks, Charlie