Friday, May 6, 2011

What To Wear At A Vampire Ball

Help! You’re invited to a Vampire Ball and you’ve got no clue what to wear!

Don’t panic. Your Vampire advisory tells you the Do’s and Don’ts.

To let you relax a little — it’s considered very bad behavior to bite any guest on the dance floor. As long as you are dancing, your blood is safe, regardless if you stick to the rules below or don’t.

If you’re male:
You don’t have any problems. You can’t compete with the Vampire anatomy anyway, so there’s no point in showing off your manhood. A black tuxedo and a black, high-collar shirt, perhaps with a crimson bow tie are perfect. Complemented with black patent leather shoes, you’re ready to go. Ah — before I forget: no, you don’t need undies. If you think you can risk following an open invitation — see also the notes on the female dress code below — you needn’t waste time.

If you’re female:
You’ve got ample choice, and that’s the problem. Almost anything that would be appropriate for a Saturday evening in town is good for a Vampire Ball, too, and more. However, there’s a secret dress code that you better should know before you trigger undesired effects.

For example, you could wear your birthday suit or body painting, both bear about the same meaning, which is — “I want to have public sex all night on or off the dance floor.”

To a lesser degree, showing off your pubes means you want to have sex all night but not necessarily in public. And if you only show your rosy buttocks you don’t even care to know your partner’s name, you’ll lean forward anytime you feel the touch of a firm erection.

If you don’t want total debauchery, you’ll wear at least a cocktail dress. This means you’re inclined for frivolous fun but would like to be politely talked and danced into it. Or you go in a ball gown and reserve the right to turn down any courteous requests. So, yes, you can go to a ball just for dancing.

Baring your cleavage is okay, hiding it will do as well. However, as a mortal you might want to attract looks to your boobs rather than elsewhere. A “nipple slip” is nothing to worry about, however you may appear weak if you nervously readjust your wardrobe malfunction. Rather smile and ignore it!

So why would you want to advertise your assets? Because you don’t want Vampires staring at your throat, contemplating the fresh blood pulsating through your jugular veins — got me? — nor at your delicate thigh skin above the stayups. You know that’s an alternate spot for a bite, do you? If not, re-read my previous blog entry on safer sex.

If you find a dress that covers your neck, that may be your first choice, because hiding your throat is another secret code saying “don’t bite tonight”. There’s one exception — being nude with only the throat covered means "rape me and bite me". Beware!

Now you think you play safe and wear stockings instead of stayups? Sorry, you can’t. Because wearing panties or stockings would make you appear weak and shy, thus attracting the Vampire community’s curiosity and bloodlust. If you behave like a victim, you will become a victim. If you just don’t trust your stayups to stay up, either wear a garter belt or do without, both are acceptable.

Side note One to women: Does this make you feel horny? Don’t worry, the smell of pussy juice is socially acceptable.

Side note Two to men: Would you like to sneak into a Vampire Ball just for some up skirt peeks? Poor bastard, you’ll have lost your blood within the hour.

Basically all colors are fine. You’ll see yellow, green, gold, blue, pink, turquoise, orange, gold and silver in all hues and combinations with no specific meaning. There are three notable exceptions.

White, of course, is the color of innocence. A long white ball gown would mean you’re still free — not the signal you want to send to your Vampire friend, do you?

On the opposite, black means you have an ongoing partnership and are not interested in a change. You may still be looking for sex, but only tonight.

Avoid anything red, especially crimson, at all cost, even with any other guest courting you. This color, with few exceptions, indicates the desire to exchange blood.

All three colors’ meaning may further be underlined by the cut - I’m sure you can guess yourself what a white, black or crimson cocktail dress tells other Vampires, can you?

And one question — what’s the very worst combination you could wear as a mortal on a Vampire ball? I’ll give the answer next time.

It goes without saying — but I’ll do anyway — that you can’t wear anything but high heels. Even if you’ve made up your mind for nude look, going barefoot is not a valid option, and even Texan Vampires won’t come in cowboy boots. Unless you’re tall as a basket ball player, they shouldn’t be less than two inches high. If necessary, practice walking in them!

Short or long, messy, curled or straight - it doesn’t matter. Even crimson red is okay, as the rule mentioned above doesn’t apply to natural hair. (That means, if you don’t have red hair, don’t make it red.) If you’re risk-averse, don’t let your hair tips tease your throat or your thighs.

Lips, fingernails, toenails painted crimson may lead to a fatal misunderstanding, other hues of red are okay. While Vampires may feel the need to soften their pale complexion, everything from natural to body paint will do. Obtrusive perfumes are frowned upon, while natural body flavours are welcome. Vampires like to be able to smell if you’re ready for them — or if you already had some fun.

Your friend might surprise you with some expensive-looking jewelry — be sure if it looks expensive it IS expensive, and maybe some centuries old. But if not, don’t be disappointed. YOU are the most precious jewel. You’ve made an immortal creature fall in love with a mortal.

Until next time.
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